Grief is funny because I am so sad that I won't see him again and enjoy his everything (even the exasperating stuff) but also because it marks the end of a chapter for me and there is literally no one who knows that part of my life besides Teo. No one who took such an interest in me on that level. I love that he did that for many. I hope that some day maybe I can share reminiscences with them. But ultimately, my grief is selfish. And maybe that is just the way it is.

Looking back through my emails, I see that I reached out to him many times and I always told him I loved him. Always---so he knew that. I am frustrated by the difficulties life presented me and Teo in regards to attempting to visit each other on opposite coasts. He made the effort to come see in me in NC. He took my mother out to dinner. He was authentic, genuine and so substantial as a human being. Very few people present that kind of gravitas and levity at the same time. At least, that's what he showed me. He was often like a little boy and then something piqued his interest and his intellectual side emerged and it was a wonder to be around. I was impressed and touched that he felt me worthy to spend so much time with.

He was sober all the time I spent with him. He smoked like a chimney, but I smoked too. He meditated in the mornings by himself and then dove into his reading material with his espresso and then it was off to wherever struck his fancy. I trusted him completely. He was very generous with me in every way.